It feels good to be posting something positive, for a change. I am still smiling, despite my weariness. Maybe caffeine kicking in (I was forced to drink two tumblerfuls of wonderful but strong brewed coffee from the office, haha) but a realization, leading to an answered prayer is the cause.
Four days ago, I was contemplating greeting an old friend I had a falling out because he had his birthday but decided against it. Perhaps my pride talking because a long time ago, our friendship soured for I had closed my doors on what I truly felt about him at that time. His birthday also falls on Tanabata. Unlike Orihime and Hikoboshi who had mutual love, mine was fated to never come to pass. Perhaps I botched it for at that time, I was aware that my feelings for him was one-sided. And because of my inexperience (despite my age– I am older by 4 years), I had done some stupid things to hurt him. I ended up hurting us both.
It took me 3 years to stop myself from crying but I grieved more on the loss of contact and friendship, rather than my own need to be loved by him in that romantic sense. I have to admit that a part of me hoped, too. But as much as I had wanted him, I loved him more as a special friend. He was the few ones who got to go past my defenses and to glimpse me as I am. But as much as I loved him, I loathed him for staying away and not allowing me to explain or even apologize. I suppose, it was also my fault because I was also scared of what I would do. He hurt and had broken my heart, more than I was willing to admit. I am ashamed to admit that I hated him for it. For a long while.
I prayed for closure and to stop my fears of being unloved because I am not worth it. For a time, I blamed him for my insecurities of not being enough. It was unfair, because I know more than anyone that he accepted me for who I am. It was I who couldn’t– despite what I said. I became selfish because I yearned to have him look at me more. And well, I was a coward. I knew in my heart that I could have chosen to fight for what I feel. But I didn’t.
It was going home tonight when I had a sudden realization. My choice of being single is not because I am unloved but I chose not to love by closing my doors at all attempts. I placed the blame on him because he hurt me and I refused to forgive him for causing me pain. Yet my heart remained loving what I cannot have and I won’t admit it.
So why not let my love come in?
One thing I learned is that as long as I don’t love myself and let love shine through me, I will not be able to see Jess in everything. It is a hard process, especially letting my feelings fester the way and as long as I had let it. But for some reason, as soon as I had tried to recall the good times spent with him, I found myself smiling. Each time he came to my rescue, the time he comforted me through my tears and the time spent with him, just talking about things– it drew my well of affections. It wasn’t the romantic feeling– I suppose, I matured with my outlook on romance now. Still, I know that he will always have that special nook in my heart and nothing can change that.
I finally saw Jess in him. And that filled me with joy. And finally, peace.
I was thinking of sending him a message for the longest time and honestly, I think he’ll think I am crazy because I can’t really explain coherently what I am going through. But believe it or not, the urge to just do it is strong. And I just have to believe that it’s He that moves me to do this. Because Jess made me see this love and no matter where it ends or begins, it is meant to be cherished.
In my head, there is also regret. What would have it been like had I remained in touch and to be friends still with him? For me to be with him and him to see what I am now? But lessons had to be learned, I knew. I am taking a risk that this time, he is cynical and may even hate me for what I am to do. Perhaps I should let the sleeping dogs lie.
Yet in my heart, I hear Galinda singing to Elphaba. “I hope you are happy now you are choosing this.” I want him to know that I bear him no more ill and I wish him all the best. Seeing him happy is more than enough. No more regrets, no more unbearable yearning. It is liberating, to the point of exhilaration.
With that, I am also ready to move on and defy gravity. Knowing this lifted me immensely.