Today’s prompt and our community’s prayer theme made me smile because it reminded me of an old post here. It reminded me also of a promise I made to myself when I joined a retreat almost 4 years ago and a promise of love from that Someone who loves me more that I’ll ever know.
For someone who had somewhat had that “misfortune” of falling for the unreachable, I sort of resigned myself that being alone isn’t so bad. But I’d be lying if I say that I don’t need someone special in my life. I made all sorts of promises to myself that I would move on from that someone who had hurt me badly. That I will find it within myself to finally go out of my self-imposed stasis in the ivory tower I made within my heart– to trust and open my heart to love. That one day, I will finally find the one who He promised me.
That was 4 years ago. But I still find myself looking over my shoulder, hoping and wishing that it was easy to keep my promises and to trust that promise of mutual love and affection I see in other people. In my fear of being judged and my self-deprecating manner, I often end up with broken promises, and for holding on with the shards of my brokenness. I often find myself wishing that somehow I can mend those that cannot be. There are times that I find myself that I am still bitterly regretting those promises that were not meant for me at all. I still find myself yearning on someone I should have let go, long time ago.
Today, 10 years ago, I finally admitted to myself that my heart had gone to someone I cannot have, that shook me to my very core. There were no promises made, no certainties in the rash feeling I had. I knew it was doomed, right from the beginning. The pain of loss had dulled, but I still yearn to find something that can surpass that frightening but wonderful feeling. The promise of it had been near but I feel that I cannot reach out because my fears of pain and rejection petrify me.
By the way, yes, it is my love story we are talking about. But love comes in so many ways and forms. I may never had formed a special relationship with someone in a romantic sense (because I have a thing for unreachable– he turns out to be 2-D character, too popular for my own good or is in love with someone, in the case of THAT guy, he was into guys), but the promise of love is just all around. Let’s not neglect those because in my points of pain, they became my saving grace.
So, allow me to share our community’s prayer for someone like me who is seeking the completion of a promise of a love that is meant especially for us who wait for it. And especially for me, who had waited for it for a long while.
The prayer for today reminded me that I am a child of love. We are born out of love and there is always a promise of love within us.
….Thank you for the gift of love.. for equipping us with big hearts that enable us to share our whole being with people– from those who mean a great deal in our lives to perfect strangers who, at the moment you meet them, need comfort the most.
Thank you for filling my heart with Your love, so much that I am capable of sharing this overflowing love with someone special. It delights me, day and night, to see this type of love from my parents and dear friends, and I look forward to the day that You have arranged for me to meet the person You deem best for me.
The prayer for today perfectly reminds me of that Someone’s promise that I am loved and worthy to be loved:
But until then, I pray for the grace that I may always be fulfilled, first and foremost, by the love that You constantly give me. That I am loved by You from the moment I wake until the moment I dream. Please help me learn to trust more in your timing.. that my eyes and heart will not falter from Your promise that Your plans are greater than mine will ever be. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11
And in my imperfection, a promise of someone to complete my imperfection with perfection. In His time.
I know that sometimes, human nature will get the best of me. Because of my imperfections, I may feel like I am alone while I wait for God’s best, that I am incomplete because I do not have someone to share beautiful (and equally, bittersweet) moments with just like my parents or my other dear friends do. When I reach this point in my life, please remind me that I am complete in You, in Your perfection. “But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” – Isaiah 40:31
So here’s the big part– where I also promise to be ready when that person comes along. I realized that before, my mistake was to reject it outright because I knew in my brain (and I dictated my brain) that it was doomed from the beginning. But…what if? Had I been more mature that time and proved my love is more than my fears, would it had ended better? I will not know now, but maybe when I am more ready to open myself, then I will know when it is what it was meant for me.
Please help me prepare my heart for this wonderful person, by teaching me to let go of past baggages. Teach me to love as You love by forgiving those who hurt me in the past. And most of all, help me forgive myself for hurting those who were once special in my life as well. Only when I have a heart full of Your love, without grudges or doubts, will I be sure that I am ready for what You have in store for me.
And when the time comes that I am to meet this person, Your best, that You have planned for me, I pray for guidance that we both will consciously put You at the center of our relationship. I believe that is how we will grow in love together– with You in our center.
Until then. I hold on to the promise that this person is out there, when we find each other.
My brokenness is mended by that promise of love.